So, that change I thought was scary, disruptive, and bad? It’s none of those things. Actually, it is the opposite of those things.
Eli (Elijah) was born last Monday, April 4th. That day began with a quip from Jen at 2:30am “My water broke” and me saying back to her “that’s great honey, do you think I can sleep for another hour?”. For real.
Eli was born 8 hours later. All seemed fine after a quick C-section, but it was not to be. Eli had swallowed some gunk and his oxygen levels presented low about 30 minutes after birth. Drama has since ensued: 2 days of O2 support but no healing, a pneumo-thorax, an intabation, an extabation, IVs, and breathing tubes. Eli is now on the mend, with no near-term, mid-term, or long-term challenges expected, but this week has taken it’s toll. But Eli is expected home this week.
But I would do it again, if it meant I could have him. (let the barfing commence!)
Truth be told, I learned a lot about Eli with him being in the hospital: He is strong. He is determined. He doesn’t complain. He “just does the work”. He “hardens the fuck up”. He makes funny faces when people need cheering up. He pulls our family together, despite a few trying years. He looks snappy in a jumper. He likes hearing me read to him about swimming/biking/running. He’s everything that I would like in another person. And he’s my son.
Now, I’m not going to pretend that he’s not going to be disruptive to my life. But I really feel like he’ll be a great addition. I don’t feel like I can’t do the things I did before, contrary to my fears. I now want to do them for different reasons. I don’t want the personal glory of a personal-best race result, a World Championship top-100, or whatever else, for the same reasons. What I want is to be a good example for Eli to apply his great personality/abilities to great things. Honestly, I think that will actually make me faster/fitter/stronger than before he came.
In just a few days, I have discovered I love my son, love being a dad, am excited for my life with him, and know I can achieve more because of him. I was so silly before being scared and thinking that fatherhood would rob me of my life.
I can’t wait for him to come home with me this week.